Money, money, money

Another days draws to a close. As summer approaches, the afternoons become uncomfortable, even in the air conditioned confines of the work place. As I step out for a cup of tea, I notice the late afternoon sun shining on one side of my face. I dread the month of May, as I do every year.

As I wait for my cup of tea, I notice a group of kids, probably going back from school. There is a clamor that fills the atmosphere as they stop off at the shop nearby. The kids are jostling against each other, now looking through the wares in the shop, now arguing about what to buy. It takes a considerable while before a decision is made, and one of the kids pulls out a few coins, in return for which he procures a handful of sweetmeats.

“For many years now, I have noticed how one of the kids has some money, and is usually in demand among his friends. And it is he or she who calls the shots”, observed the shopkeeper.

Rightly so; for though just about every kid in the group was trying to suggest as to what ought to be purchased, it was finally the one who dug into his pockets, who took the final call. Immediately after the purchase was done, the other kids were after him, vying for their share.

“I shall give each of you your fair share”, the little one, all of 12 declared. And as he was walking away, the other kids were in a hurry to keep up with him. One could see how the body language of the different kids had noticeably changed. The one who actually made the purchase now had a tone of authority in his voice, while the others had a subdued air to them. Schools are a microcosm; and to one who observes, they beautifully reflect interesting aspects of individual and collective human behaviour.

As I was leaving the shop, I couldn’t but help ponder at the shopkeeper’s observation. I wondered if in today’s world, money really is power, more than it probably ever was in the history of mankind.

a milestone of sorts

Some of the drives can get tough. For some reason, you have, in your mind decided to get to a certain place by sunset. As time passes by, you begin to realize you may not make it, and yet want to get as close as you could. The roads are bad, tiresomeness has already set in. You just want to find that imagined bed, and not wake up until the next morning, when it is time to hit the road again. Tired and restless, you realize you have been looking at the odometer more often than not, in the anxiety of ‘getting there’.

At other times, there may be good music or the company of loved ones. It may just be the sights that keep you hooked, not noticing where you are really headed or for how long you have been driving. It doesn’t matter, and even if it does, your mind forgets it, if only temporarily. You hardly pay heed to the milestones that pass by.

I wouldn’t say this journey has been of the latter kind. Yet, it has been no less fascinating. At least when I have been at it. And then there have been those diversions, significant ones. What these were, I know not, but the result has been obvious to all of us. Yet, there has been something that kept bringing me back here every now and then, if only rarely.

As I was ‘shifting spaces’, I happened to inadvertently go through some of the older posts. And that is when it struck me that it has been 5 years 6 years (and thanks to Atul for correcting this!) since it all started, in this manner.

shifting spaces

At times, we look forward to it. We want it, for we expect that along with it will come certain aspects we desire for. Such instances, one can safely say, don’t come along too often.

In most other instances, we dread it. We seem to be overcome by a certain fear. When it is not fear, it is just plain inertia. We avoid it, and try not to think about it. We pretend it won’t come. Even if it does come, we feel better of assuming it won’t affect us. When it is there, we even go as far as resisting it, knowing fully well that it is futile, and that sooner or later, we will have to learn to take it in our stride, or just accept it with a resignation.

It does happen though. More often than we realize, definitely more often than we might want it.

This time around, I am embracing change. Why? Just ‘for a change’! The bum shall henceforth be found, here.

An end and a beginning

Another year passed by, and as it happens with many of us, I was wondering about making resolutions too. Over the past, many had been made and most of them forgotten. Some remembered, only to be broken sooner than later. This year, I was beginning to think it may be a good idea not to make any resolutions in the first place. After all, a new year, nay, time itself, is perhaps only a complex imagination of the human kind. For if one were really to resolve, why not do it now, at this moment, rather than wait for the momentous new year? My grandpa would tell me, in the context of the Hindu practice of looking for ‘auspicious times’ to perform certain actions, that to do a good deed, any time is a good time.
Perhaps I was turning cynical about new year resolutions, as about many other things. I wonder if growing up does that to me. Looking back, it seems to me that as time went by, I had grown more and more cynical about a lot of things in life. Almost. So this time around, I have resolved – to make some resolutions. And before that, to think about them well. And make them, when I have to, no matter what time it is.
It would seem that the key here is to think through things, spend time reflecting. Easy as it may sound, I have understood it takes a lot to just and think – and not ‘do’ anything else. Not think while making a cup of tea, but sit down, calm the mind, and reflect – for the sake of it. Perhaps, it is the quality of thinking that matters most. Quality of thoughts, and quality of words – do thoughts give birth to words or do words shape our thoughts? Both ways, perhaps, and so I am thinking I should get back to words. I do hope I will. And for good or bad, I am putting an end, for now, to something that I believe has been impairing my ability, or even the desire to communicate qualitatively, through the written medium.
Happy new year my dear friends – I did miss you all. But most of all, I missed this a lot more than I had realized.

through the eyes of an old man

Pa is a simple person – he minds his business, and likes things his way, mostly. So when he was finally cajoled into traveling to the USA, I was more excited than him. To me, it was seeing a part of the world that I had always wanted to – through his old and experienced eyes. i am posting one of the mails I got from him sometime ago.

—————

My dear son,

There are a few things striking about this country. They make life as easy as possible for themselves. All houses are built with wood or board- very little stone or concrete- so they are able to do it fast, as well as repairs and other maintenance work is made easy. surprising thing is how even heavy items like air-conditioners, fans, chimneys gold firm on these. For example, yesterday the man had to cut pieces of the board making up the kitchen partition to look for the rat. He did it so easily with nice tools, protected himself well with gloves, knee caps, cut the board, attended to the problem, and fixed back the board. Only some plastering and painting has to be done over it and you can hardly make out it has been cut. After seeing this I realized that the wall, the ceiling have all been cut at several paces for various work.

Every aspect of life they try and make comfortable- many things are use and throw, many recycled, one can significantly reduce acquiring personal belongings. They don’t interfere with others, almost to the extent of being disconnected with the rest of the world. In some ways good, but makes one feel lonely. People in Austin seem warmer than bigger cities like New York. I have been wandering in my dhoti always, sometimes inviting a second curious glance.One does see beggars, asking for food or money, sad to see it happening in one of the so called affluent countries!

The other obvious thing is they are the greatest users and wasters of energy, both fossil fuel as well as electricity. So many dazzling lights on all the time, apartment lights are never switched off, every little thing is illuminated very bright and colourful. Millions of cars- hundreds of brands and thousands of models are running all the time. Ninety percent or more are used by single drivers. They don’t seem to be conscious of conservation at all.They will surely exhaust the reserves and suffer and make the rest of the world suffer. More later.

Love, Appa

coming back to life?

It pays to befriend some of the folks who work on the train. For one, I feel it makes them happy that someone is noticing them, acknowledging their invaluable service. And it comes with its perks, they’d watch over you, ensure there isn’t a policeman or the TTE in sight, while you sneaked a smoke. After all, the Shatabdi from Mysore to Madras takes over 7 hours and for someone like me, that is time enough when the nicotine bells start ringing.

The little kid must have been all of 4 years. As the family boarded the train at Bangalore, the kid kept pestering her father. “Give me the laptop”, she kept insisting. Her father seemed to have more mundane concerns, to ensure that his young wife and the younger kid, a toddler clinging on to the woman, boarded safely and comfortably, that the immediate necessities of a travelling woman and young child are removed from the bags and kept handy, that the luggage is stowed away safely and so on. When he finally did meet his older kid’s demands, the ‘laptop’ in question turned out to be a little device for kids – colourful, making all sorts of noises, one with ‘educational’ games and what we have.

Across the aisle was another couple. There was an elderly woman, with a much younger man, travelling together. From their looks, I did not see any remote connection and so couldn’t be sure if they were related. Yet, they seemed to be engaged in a very animated conversation almost throughout the journey. The lady seemed to be quite happy chattering away, and the young man was patient in humouring her. To me, it was a heartening sight. I have always felt people are too busy to relish the pleasure of meeting others during journeys these days. Some are busy, others seem content doing their own thing – a laptop or a mobile phone is almost invariably whipped out. In other cases, people shut themselves out by plugging those things into their ears and get lost in music.

To me, people are a highlight of a journey, especially one on a train. Every journey invariably ends up in interesting meeting, giving insights into aspects of life that would otherwise be hard for me to fathom in my own small world. And even if a meeting itself doesn’t materialize, there is always the joy of simply observing those around me.

Nilave ennidam, nerungaadey…

I don’t know the context in which this song is sung in the movie – it must have been decades before I was born. Yet, the words are most fascinating; with the protagonist making a fervent appeal of an unusual kind, evidently to the lady. And the lilting notes in the voice of PB Srinivas only make it all the more enchanting.

“It is Ghantsala”, he clarified.

No doubt, the song was in Telugu and so were the rest of the songs that he was enjoying. He was playing it, not all too loudly, thankfully, as many seem to be doing these days, on his mobile phone. He would sing along, every now and then too – mutter along, to be more precise – for it was very besura. I am not sure if there is a word for it in English. We all know that our language and ability to communicate can in many ways play a decisive role in shaping our experiences. It is equally fascinating how languages themselves are shaped by, and evolve from human experience. After all, the context, geography, culture and so on would determine the repertoire of a language. For instance, I believe some of the people living in the poles have half a dozen words for snow, each connoting some kind of a variant, perhaps. In that sense, it is admirable how English as a language has evolved. Doubtless, it would have been for very ‘administrative’ reasons – after all, the Queen was at some point in history, ruling half the world and more. Yet, it is perhaps one of the reasons also why this language seems to have survived and even flourished – it has assimilated so much from other languages and cultures. It may be an interesting exercise to see what portion of English words is borrowed from other languages. And, I believe it is for the same reason that a language so rich, yet so simple as Sanskrit has all but become extinct. A language is all about usage, and it is people who use a language. When a language becomes exclusive, when it is the sole domain of one set of people and others are denied all forms of access for whatever reasons right or wrong, it can only sign its own death warrant.

I deviate. The gentleman in question was small made, perhaps in his mid fifties. He seemed merrily content, singing along, as his device played music from old Telugu movies. I was fascinated when I learnt that he worked as the Department of Posts. I have fond memories of writing letters – there was a time when I would write at least one everyday, sometimes more. In my first semester in college, some of my college mates would be envious as the postman almost always had at least one mail for me.

When he learnt about my work, he lamented about the ‘quality’ of teachers in the govt. schools. I shared my personal thoughts on the subject – that teachers in private schools are not very different from and that it was hard to generalize about one ‘kind’, even though I realized I was myself doing just that! Yet, he wasn’t merely making a general remark, he seemed to be very grave about it and as he spoke, he seemed to be pained about the state of affairs.

“In our generation, actually in generations previous to ours, teachers were a highly committed lot. And they were paid very little then. Yet, they were exemplary. And it showed on the people they educated. When the quality of teachers is poor, it impacts entire generations; the consequences are felt by the society at large”. He did mention that the general lack of integrity and commitment seemed restricted not just to teachers, yet it was about education that I was thinking. To me, it seems that teachers need to be reminded, continually of the larger picture and their role in it. After all, education is not just to make people literate, get good jobs and earn more money – a good education can and must be a life changing experience.

“I have 5 more years to retire”, he said, confirming my gut feeling about his age. I have been hearing from my own parents, also employees of the central govt., as to how they are short staffed and how the govt. constantly keeps increasing the retirement age. The gentleman in question seemed to differ. “The old people are too focussed”, he said. He probably meant rigid, for he spoke slowly and deliberately, with a heavy Telugu accent. He was evidently not all that fluent in English.

“They don’t want to change. The world has changed a lot, and continues to change at a rapid pace. The oldies don’t seem to be bothered. They have their fixed ways of thinking and working, and don’t want to embrace change. Moreover, there are lots of young people who need jobs. We could hire 3 young guns at the same cost of paying one old bandicoot. When we can’t change, the world will rush past us and the old must simply give way for the new”, he said.

He seemed a simple enough man, with old fashioned spectacles and foot wear, sitting by the window and talking occasionally. As I peered at him I looked out of the window and beyond. The sun was setting, painting the sky in glorious red; the scene almost symbolic of the man himself and many of his generation; a generation to which my own parents belong. As I look back, I realize that as a much younger boy I have fought their old ways, little realizing then that it was perhaps futile. And yet, it is a generation I will sorely miss – for they have slowly begun to disappear, and with them will go things that are unique and special in strange ways that make life that bit more beautiful.

PS: It feels good to be back. I do not know why I stopped writing, as much as I do not remember what prompted me to start writing in the first place. A few friends have been very pleasantly persuasive, and to them, I remain grateful. She and he and both tagged me to write about the last year. I hope I will. Soon.

of a grumpy bum, and a movie

“You mustn’t be like this at this point of time in your life. You are supposed to be happy, and I would like to see you that way”, he said.

I suppose he had a point; most people I have known do seem happy. They seem happy in spite of the fact that in many instances, it is not a matter of choice, but just a consequence; a result of many things, including societal beliefs, the need for the illusive ‘security’, peer pressure and, perhaps, even a matter of routine to some, so to speak. And who knows, and that I believe is possibly the best (and to the rational mind, the most illogical) explanation one can offer – that it may perhaps be just a question of the baggage some people choose, what some people call destiny. Nevertheless, the fact still is that it is not everyday that one makes such decisions in life. And if it ‘all goes well’, as the cliché goes, one probably wouldn’t need to make such a decision again.

There are a few things in life that one is forced to carry the burden of. They may be strange to the others, seemingly harmless, perhaps even silly things. Like the way it baffles the priest when Walt Kowalski, goes to church, to confess.

A little background will perhaps serve good at this juncture. The man is a war veteran, obviously troubled by his past, and has just lost his wife who is apparently supposed to have been a religious woman. The priest from their church is after him, to get him to confess, because that was what his late wife wanted. And our man makes it amply clear that he gives half a dime to the church, or to the priest, whom he calls ‘an over educated 27 year old virgin who holds the hands of old women in the promise of salvation’. And yet, he does confess, for having kissed another woman (“it just happened while the wives were in another room”, he says), for having made a meagre sum sometime in life without paying taxes, and having been unfriendly with his sons. The young priest who has had an unexpected visitor at the church is quite flummoxed, for he had possibly expected a lot more. The violence is obvious, if there was something more violent ever, because this one was real. And yet, there is hardly any violence actually portrayed on screen. I am a bum, not a critique, but to those friends who are reading this (and I would like to think I have indeed been fortunate to have made the most wonderful friends here) and like good cinema, I would certainly recommend this movie. It is about ‘life and death’, and about a grumpy old man.

To me personally though, it was about a dream, or perhaps, an imagination. It was a certain fanciful picture of the future of a much older bum, though not of the pleasantest kind. And it was one reason why I could instantly relate to this movie. It seemed to paint the details of what I had imagined myself to be, as an old man. And something tells me, that despite a lifestyle that has been as close to atrocious as one can think, I am among those not so lucky ones who will bear the burden, and see many long years.

Many long years of resigned acceptance; not of love, but of what it brings along with it. The myriad hues of life, that are sometimes as fascinating as they may initially seem either exceedingly happy or excruciatingly painful.

May be he is right after all, he has been many times, in retrospect, for after all, I am nothing but a tiny little part of him. Appa (father, in the Tamil language) had said that the bum has been unfair (in his comment to this post), and that is how most people seem to think about it.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not having it the bum way. It is going to be just another one of those events, those occasions that I have in the past been a part of, and have chosen to forget, for more than one reason. And yet, I did it for the sake of the one person who would hopefully stand by me in thick and thin. I love her, and this was probably one to way to show it to her, however grudgingly. For once, I am putting a picture of mine here, and hers.


I would not have liked to invite anybody. As heartless as it may sound, I believe everybody with a heart (and a sane head) ought to let others live their life, as long as they don’t cause harm or threat to others. It seems to be that this is a miserable belief, or so I am made to believe, in the name of the society. They say that people of the society would be unhappy, and the more I think of it, it pains, and may be even shames me to be a part of such a society.

I had wished to say that you would not be invited for the ceremony that ‘they’ call the wedding, for I had dreamt of something quiet, simple and meaningful. That has for all practical purposes been quashed, for whatever reasons. But I am hoping that there may be some people, specially the people here, for there aren’t too many people I have connected with in such a way, would understand. Because when I had not written for ages, one of my blogger friends, touched me in the most beautiful way, when she said this –

His words flow like butter
spread on a crisp golden toast.

He talks at random
about journeys in the night.

But he talks seldom
When will the Bum write?

And so I invite you – to our home, to our hearts, for you all already have a place in the tiny heart that a bum like me can afford. You are invited to share our joy of looking forward to a new life, for I at least had never thought this would happen, or happen this way. You are invited to the bitter sweet feelings that our hearts will doubtless go through. You are invited to a humble abode, which we hope to jointly make, a place where all would be welcome.