Change July

Sometimes, it is literally an onslaught, and a relentless one at that. In a purely temporal sense, the change is unimaginably ‘fast’. The mind is racing, or actually, the thoughts are racing past the mind, abducting it with them. As powerful as a tool it is, the very same mind sometimes also seems the cause of doom. Look at the way man has come to look at ‘development’, and the large scale and long term impact he is causing with it. It is incredible, that a species that is considered highly evolved is actually going about self destructing. Interestingly, there is a school of thought that attributes feeling and thinking to different ‘bodies’ or ‘seats’ as one may choose to call them. There is the mind that senses and feels, and there is the intellect that judges and discriminates.
Coming back to the mind that begins to feel lost, it seeks means – some good and others not so, again in very subjective terms – to relieve itself in one way or the other. I wonder if blogging had played that role of a good channel, so to say, where the mind would be busy purging, and in a way, redeeming the self. I say had, because I realize that I haven’t been writing in a while now. Though I am aware of it, and have been for a while now, the initial pangs have gone by now. The thought comes now and then, and then fades away just as fast. I have been told, and also to an extent, have to come believe, that I take interest in too many things and quickly lose interest. On the other hand actually, during the past few years, it has always been too few things. I haven’t been doing much, except working hard and partying hard. And in the recent past, every time I think of writing anything, the thoughts just seem to melt in to others, faster than the mind can capture them. The mind needs, at this time, to slow down and dwell upon things, not esoteric questions, simple day to day events, the physical world of things and people and the mind’s reactions to them all.
I do miss the expressing for the sake of it, for the sake of letting go, for just letting the words tumble and flowing along with it, veering now and then, and yet being aware of the general flow of things. The other bit that troubles me now and then is the connection – indeed, some of the most interesting encounters have happened here, some of the deepest bonds formed. In that sense, I own an apology to those of you who come here and gently and ever so kindly goaded me to write; and also to those of you who keep your little taverns warm and cozy for us bums to visit, and here I am, lost in my own world.
It has been a while since I let go. Let go of everything; like you do when you ride, on the highway. There is not much else on the mind, except the road, with the wing slapping against the cheeks. At one level, it is mindlessness; indeed, there are times when you don’t know where you are headed – not in the global sense, but in the sense of not being able to see most of the road, or what lies beyond the next swerve.
At another level, it is a certain catharsis; in being there, right then, not knowing of anything but the moment. A friend recently mentioned of how the experience of watching mindless movies actually proves to be such an experience for her. At the first instance, it tickled me, and I almost laughed, yet, when I thought about it later, it hardly seemed strange to me. To every man his way. After all, when I look back at a life that seems to have blurred into oblivion so early, there is hardly anything that the mind remembers, excepting those moments that have sometimes tossed you upside down, at others, made you halt and think, and in every instance, have proven to be cathartic in their own ways, small or big.
I can feel a gale blowing my way. I can’t see it; only feel its impending impact on me. And with it, the wind blows change. Not one big alteration in life, but a series of small changes that would cumulate to a newer life. How well things will go is only a matter of speculation, but the change seems certain. Painful and sometimes unavoidable as it may seem, speculating about it is in vain. It is sometimes ironical, to know something and yet not be able to avoid it. Like the commodity that is offered free of cost, bundled along in an offer sale, when you know it really isn’t free, yet you succumb to ultimately buying it. Only in this case, the commodity is life – and life is only as valuable as it is valued to be.

There is no looking back – for one must go on, and in that sense, the bum plods on, weary of yesterday, reluctantly expectant of tomorrow, and not really aware yet attempting to be so, of the now.

Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it’s just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
– David Sedaris


20 thoughts on “Change July

  1. 'flair for expressing' is what you have. not many can express their thoughts as you do, to the point yet giving room for speculation. and the way one thought melts into another is a skill i would love to learn from you. makes me wonder all the time 'what is he actually thinking of' and that mystery makes me want to read you works more and more, to see if it gives away anything about the real is a gale alright, if i have rightly assumed what you are talking about, a gale which can bring change for the better or for the worse depending on what you choose it to be. a wonderful post to make up for the absence but does not warrant another long absence. so write more often:)

  2. A reflective post and an intensive, thoughtful one at that. The reader tends to lose herself, as you lose yourself through your train of thoughts. Nevertheless, as do thoughts change, so do our lives. It is very difficult to let go of old things – memories, thoughts and habits and embrace change, isn't it?

  3. oh my God DB, u r back! I've waited so long for a thought provoking entry and now u hv delivered yet again! i am feeling abit down as i hv just watch that so much talked about movie – slumdog millionaire – showing it on a big screen just makes it more real and my fear of visiting my fatherland has deepen! help! yikes = ( i think its just hormonal that i am feeling abit blue! take care and pls write more often that not ; )

  4. Inordianry terms after reading this I would have said …."press the refresh button on ur head, and leave past the thoughts that's haunting u". but since I stand at the same juncture of crossroads and wandering in the midst of "being" "what I was" and "becoming, what I wanted to", I would rather say this feeling of your's of facing the future with inhibitions wont stay long…u would surely move on from there, so while it stands just put the "bring it on" attitude. :)all the bestShwets

  5. I certainly know how you feel about blogging. I haven't been doing it much lately and I do miss it, but my mind doesn't seem in tune with it, it has become sparse in its writable thoughts. But if blogging does redeem us then perhaps we ought to make an effort for the sake of mankind 😉

  6. dharma,dont be reluctantly expectant of tomorrow.have more hope,thats how we can move on.i've been lil busy with father's hospitalisation and the associated problems.i've started working agin.thats means too much of travel.i get very lil time to be at the net.thanks for remembering me.

  7. This all sounds to me like the Venturi effect, like the Dharmabum’s been bummed in a high pressure/low-fluid-speed section of life now realizing he’s about to pass through a low pressure/high speed section again. Change is a-comin’ for sure, and the Bum will be a different guy then than he is now. And that’s all of my stuff that I’m going to bring into your stuff ; ) I love your thoughts, Bum, loved reading them again : )

  8. DB, A well written post.. I loved the way you are able to trace your thoughts in to words and write them.. Few things in your post caught my eye – >>Interestingly, there is a school of thought that attributes feeling and thinking to different ‘bodies’ or ‘seats’ as one may choose to call them. There is the mind that senses and feels, and there is the intellect that judges and discriminates- Well, dont you agree ? I do. Isnt life a constant struggle between emotions and intellect ?>>Not one big alteration in life, but a series of small changes that would cumulate to a newer life.-Yaa.. Change is a part of our life – and most of times we resist it. Which makes it more difficult. The easiest thing to do , I guess, is to accept and enjoy the change.

  9. Hmmm, nice to see you back! I too think a lot at night esp. when I get out of my deep sleep suddenly and a thread of negative thought starts….I will feel I am doomed. Got lot of problems, which I keep telling myself in time, they will get solved by themselves. Don't know if urgent action is required or not. If it backfires, everything will be lost. But by experience, I think just watching the tide to come down and say to yourself that everything is going to be alright, is best.God, you express your thoughts so clearly in writing, Dharma. Good to know that you are going to write more, hereafter.

  10. Hi Just stumbled upon this lovely blog and wanted to share my experienceI have too stood still on the rooftop with strong chill winds hitting me like huge wavesin the middle of the deep dark night with random thoughts on the progress of life but these thoughts grow into a dreaded fear….a fear that the whole dark sky is one big black dome and it is just closing in on me…What are your achievements… growing older by the minute…A lonely creature in this world….I stood till my bones rattlingIt is still taking me time to recover from this fear…(this happened 3 days back)your writing gives me hope… that there are more such lonely planets and lonely creatures in it…

  11. UNPRET,thank you. i suppose some of the most liked posts have happened jus like that – when i have started writing, without really having a formed idea of what i would write about.about the giving away – i suppose it is in a way what life is like – we all go one, in the eager expectation of unravelling what seems like a never ending mystery ;)thank you.SHINI,sometthings seem difficult, others not so. in fact, there seem to be many more things that have just faded away. such is life, i suppose.MUSH,you must come to india, if you are interested – irrespective of what this movie or anything else says. i doubt if a movie would be able to capture the essence of any nation, let alone a diverse and complex one like india.ANON,why so? a little less baggage makes the journey so much more comfortable, me thinks :)ANON,i do not know about nirvana. i am sorry, but i did not mean to scare you :)GAZAL,thanks :)SHWETA,thank you, shall do just that :)GAURI,will do. a little 'good', and a little 'bad' :)thanks!DEVIL,you make me smile, in your own way. in its sparsity, i have let it be too.MONSOON,hope, is something i kept mulling over and also wrote a post on :)i hope father is fine now? take care.ASH,thanks 🙂 am off now to catch a glimpse of the world through your eyes :)MISSALISTER,how very interesting. for one, it reminded me of my physics studies earliy in life. more significantly though is your comparison with the venturi effect – profound, as always, miss A.thanks, missA, for being that kind and insightful soul that you are.VEENA,thank you!SANDHYA,i wonder if i did convey that i would be writing more often? well either ways, i haven't in reality !thanks for dropping by.ANJANA,thanks :)ANON,thanks for dropping by 🙂

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