Dark side of the moonstruck boy

I don’t do much of it, the pause-and-reflect thing, not too often anyways.

When I look back, at this point of time in life, I wonder if that statement is true. Firstly, I realize I have always been the impulsive kinds. After all, when everybody says one must think and act and you know you’ve been a bum – act, and then sit and think. some call them the intuitive kind. Either ways, I know how it works. I have literally been that way – just do, and do mindless things at that. There is something about the extremes, some kick it has got, though most people profess moderation – it is ‘good’ they say. But the extreme, is breathtaking, and oh so close to ‘doom’ at the same time. It is like you’re swerving down this mountain road, you look down a fraction and you sneak a peak of the gorge, right below your foot, you don’t fret, you just ride on, it is almost instinctive, being on the road.

“the secret of climbing” , said japhy, “is like zen. don’t think. Just dance along. It’s the easiest thing in the world, actually easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous. the cute little problems present themselves at each step yet you never hesitate and you find yourself on some other boulder you picked out for no special reason at all, just like zen.”
– The Dharma Bums, Jack Kerouac.

Secondly, and contrarily, the process of growing up brought with it its share of experiences that left those shards in the memory, and with them, increasing amounts of time dwelling on past events, trying hard to learn from them. the memory is short by nature, and so it has resulted in falling, and multiple times at that. But then there are those things in life, those ‘experiences’ so to say, that one wouldn’t want to divulge with anybody, for whatever reasons.

Que toutes nos pensées soient telles que si on te demandait à toutinstant ce que tu penses tu puisses toujours l’avouer sans honte.
May all our thoughts be such that if one asks you at any moment what you arethinking you can always admit it without shame.
– Marcus Aurelius

At times, I wonder if there at all is any redemption, other than to calm the mind, in an attempt to gradually disengage it from the process of weighing options – the ones taken, and the ones that present themselves for the future – and eventually silence it, literally.

Have you ever pondered if you have had those moments that you wouldn’t want to divulge with, even with your most loved ones? Especially with them, in fact, simply because we are afraid we might ‘fall’, in their eyes, and they might just stop loving us?

The doing, the efforts have always been, sloppy, at the most.
But when the intentions come under question, it is another thing.
And when the questions are posed by that twin, residing somewhere in the recess of the mind, it is hell fire.

This festival, may the darkness even in the unfathomable depths of the mind be dispelled by the rows of lamps dedicated to universal the spirit.
May all those innate tendencies of the mind that pull us towards regression burn in the fire.
And, may goodness emerge.


18 thoughts on “Dark side of the moonstruck boy

  1. Hmm yeah.. I guess everyone has that ‘one’ thing from the past that is always on their mind, but is never discussed with anybody else, just because, like you said, we may ‘fall’ in their eyes… And that line by Marcus – I really like it 🙂 That’s really like a great wish that he has wished upon :)Happy Diwali 🙂

  2. There are so many thoughts that come to me when i read this post..it does work on different levels, but i think this one sums up..after all, festivals is about good prevailing over evil..let our thoughts also be the same..may the light burn from within

  3. This is pure juice, the good stuff. I impulsively dove in and drank it while swimming in it. I couldn’t have told anyone what it was about then, just that I felt it and it gave me the glow. That was zen, the dancing along. This is now, the think work, the pausing and reflecting on it. So much in this post is essential to the life experience, like seasoning on food—the skin-tingling extremes, the crap of childhood conditioning, the truth-telling… Maybe redemption is the reward after a life of learning we are not our minds, maybe not. I don’t care so much. Leaning toward quieting the mind is joy enough. Aurelius’ quote is a good thing to lean toward too, and now that I’ve read it, it might start working in the background. I wouldn’t volunteer my lesser deeds and thoughts but, even knowing most people can’t take the very truth they ask for, I would tell them if they asked. What would follow would be what it’d be… I feel like my slop, my drilling to the core of my intentions will all work itself out. Maybe I feel this way because for me it’s the 28th, right on the mark of the lights ❤

  4. Finally a post from my favourite writer:)how do u make a post out of such simple things in life?teach me how to do this.i fear that-falling in the eyes of loved ones. but sometimes you cannot stop urself from expressing to ur loved ones either through words or through actions cause i believe we just cannot be what we are not to the ones we hold dear to our hearts.

  5. Marcus Aurelius was very clever but most of us common mortals tend to have a few nonsensical thoughts every day, every hour even. Some are not just nonsensical, they are embarrassing but that’s normal, there’s a fair bit of irrationality within. Happy Diwali Bum 🙂

  6. SINDHU,how i wish it were limited to just ‘one’ thing!happy deepavali to you too!MANASA,happy deepavali to you too, and good to see you :)LAKSHMI,well, there were so many thoughts when i wrote it and words just tumbled i guess!amen to your wish and thanks a ton!MISSALISTER,this is pure juice – your comments, every single one of them. you always seem to extract the very essence of my posts, no matter how ineffetive my attempts are at conveying my thoughts.tell people if they asked – well, sometimes, people just don’t realise the consequences of knowing you know. i’ve known from some others, and sometimes, the burden is a bit too much to carry.whats with the 28th?and do keep coming back – i love having your wise words to ruminate upon…so much of what you say strikes a chord.thank you :)UNPRET,thanks for the compliment, though as always, i am a tad embarrassed :)i am never what i am – not to anyone, but to myself and to the secret twin that resides deep inside, pity the poor bum in me !DEVIL,just nonsensical is far from dark and evil, devil ;)a very happy deepavali to you too 🙂

  7. The post’s title is well thought after. I guess it matches the content to a tee atleast of all the posts I have read, till date. Should I read moonstruck or “thoughtstruck” or… 🙂 Well, about your thoughts and actions and the way you covey them in your post, tells me you are the two extremes of yourself. On one, you are the perfect bum and on the other, you are cautious, reminding yourself of thinking before acting or revealing “those happenings” – just the opposite of the bum. It’s interesting to note that there are bums amongst us too, sometimes and then there is the opposite. But,I would not feel free to write about this as explicitly as you have put it. All of the people I have known, and observed (not judged although), maybe including myself, pretend to be on the balance, when we are very close to either of the extremes. 🙂

  8. Beautiful as always,Dharma :)Chaos and peace – both emnates from the mind and you need to work on bringing upon it an equilibrium and calmness.How wonderfully you’ve articulated this!When you talk about going to extremes,I feel the greatest evidence of consciousness in a person is seen in his real inner effort which he puts in to go to such extremes. There is that sense of joy or that kick in it!And I just love that quote from Marcus!By the way,hope you had a great Diwali 🙂

  9. Perhaps we have the Kerouac connection, the feel of the freedom beat of the soul that we’re straining to hear and heed above the din of a distracted world and its empty enticements…Maybe there is a communicatory thread of oneness that weaves through those of like mind, even if there is but one small likeness, just one pinpoint of light…And maybe Deepavali burns through all souls seeking the same victory of good within and adds pinpoints to flames to bonfires to the dark of the new moon day, this year being the twenty-eighth of October…Whatever it is, I’m loving it, too 🙂

  10. “Have you ever pondered if you have had those moments that you wouldn’t want to divulge with, even with your most loved ones? Especially with them, in fact, simply because we are afraid we might ‘fall’, in their eyes, and they might just stop loving us?”There are times when we stop from saying things to our loved one’s not becuz we might ‘fall’ in their eyes, but part of us is still unsure in the way they will react and part of us have a fixed opinion and do not want to be judged on certain matters.

  11. Hope you had a good Diwali. “And when the questions are posed by that twin, residing somewhere in the recess of the mind, it is hell fire.”… This one hit home!

  12. i read this post some days back and don’t now quite remember what it was all about. But Jack Kerouac. I just got myself one of his books. I also got another after seeing a mention on ur blog– the motorcycle diaries. I am yet to read both. 😀 I had a pretty nice Diwali.. hope so it was for you.. hope you have a joyful, peaceful new year ahead.

  13. SHINI,the title just happened, and in retrospect, like you say, it does seem to fit well. it is also one of my favourite albums :)yes, i am of extremes and constantly battling between two poles.BALU,thank you, yes, there certainly is an inexplicable joy in exploring the depths of the mind, even though it yields some of our darkest moments at times!KESHI,it must take a lot of courage, even to be a pain in the ass ;)MISSALISTER,the strain gets to me at times, but i seek comfort in the fact that it could be worthwhile, yet.glad you’re loving it, as much as i love having you around here. SHWETA,the truth is, we do not want to reveal ourselves, we may choose to mince words about it :)PRIYANKA,thank you, yes, and hoep you had a joyous festival too!MUSH,thank you, yes i had a nice relaxed time.GAURI,which book did you get? i am looking for his poetry but not been able to lay my hands on it. i hoep you enjoy reading the motorcycle diaries, as much as i did.thank you, hoep you have a great year too!

  14. I recently came across your blog through a friends’. And I’m glad I did. For you write well and your posts are thought-provoking – and well-followed too judging by the number of comments!Just today, a friend commented on 1 of my posts that it takes guts to write about what you feel and lay yourself open to others’ judgement/ridicule.I agree with your post whole-heartedly.Nilambari

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