the mirror

i can feel the beads of sweat trickling down my back. it is a typical summer evening in these parts. the ceiling fan is a necessary evil. it blows hot air from the roof, but ones needs something to keep dry and keep the mosquitoes at bay. the thoughts meander towards the man sleeping on the pavement, after a hard day. i wonder how he sleeps so sound. in a way, i’m grateful for not being able to afford an air conditioner. it has made me hardy, & more importantly, it keeps me connected with the outside.
the voices of a group of friends in the adjacent room sounds more like faint noises trickling in from the neighboring house. i am comfortably numb, seemingly so, drifting away in the breeze, in a world of my own, yet vaguely aware of the voices.
my thoughts veer off toward the astrology column i had read about a week back. to sum it up, peter vidal had said that i would be, in a while, staring at reality.
i wonder how it would feel to stare down the barrel of a gun, i haven’t had the privilege myself. i remember seeing this picture, supposedly from nam, of this man waiting with his eyes cocked, the finger right on the trigger. the gun was pointed by another, right at this man’s temple. i don’t know what it is like, those last moments. the ones that we in this life know of, at least.
i do recollect, however, riding in the ghats of uttaranchal, with the tributaries of the mother ganges flowing alongside. there is something fascinating about the state. a bum i had had the privilege of meeting somewhere along, had called it dev bhumi (land of the gods). “the wild animals here wouldn’t trouble you”, he had said, when asked if it was safe to ride in the nights.
i had spent almost a month there, a good part of it riding. there is this one moment stored away in the recess of my head, somewhere. it was a curve, i was on the side of the cliff, if thats the way it is referred to. i was speeding of course, even though i knew it was wrong, just for kicks perhaps. i’d rather meet an adventurous end. i haven’t yet, quite paradoxically, and i’m grateful for it too. the adventure never ends.
and so i was negotiating this curve, and i had suddenly realized i was only a couple of inches away. i was staring down the valley, i remember not how deep. i had only momentarily looked down, taken my eyes away from the road. but i felt it creep up to me momentarily. death. or the fear of it.
today, as i sit here, in the sultry evening heat, i feel it again. reality, as they call it. i have been disconnected long now, and it suddenly strikes me. i look within, and find somebody not with the remote semblance with the one i had known all this while. he is far from what i consider ‘good’.

“is it time to do something yet?”, i ask myself.


24 thoughts on “the mirror

  1. hmmmm.. that was like reading someones head when they just stare into space and really think about life.. i do that a lot! and it felt good to connect with someone else’s.. wow! that will hav to bet hought abt in my next staring-into-space-thinking mode!reality.. now that is something which never fails to show me just how how cruel it can be to me, yet i try and challenge it with all i hav got.. the only teacher that i follow, the only text i care to read..interesting relationship, that!

  2. introspection is a good thing sometimes..especially when we recollect moments like this and wonder.. your post has made me look inward as well which Ive been trying to avoid for a while lakshmi

  3. Introspection brings us so much close to our own older selves many a times. While I went through similar experiences, I usually was amazed at the changes life has bought in me. The reality mirror then shows me a reflection that is either missed now or one that is unsuitable for the real world…Nice post.. hope ur journey in self-introspection has filled you with more thoughts than you have penned down in the blog…

  4. I must admit, when I read something which has hyperlinks, then I actually click on them to see where they lead- do you really think that that guy makes sense???(Totally lost and lost-it akka)

  5. How did u feel that one moment out of sync with yourself? But it just comes for split seconds and takes toll of every other emotion. Utilise it …till it lasts.Shwets

  6. Man, this post is like tangerine trees, marmalade skies, and rocking horse people eating marshmallow pies with the added dimensions (if that’s possible) of adventure and Dostoevsky’s Prince Myshkin’s preoccupation with the last moments of life in front of the end—the gun, the gallows, the gully. Groovy! Thanks for the trip, Bum! 🙂

  7. Sometimes it is good to make that journey inwards and introspect and think. Because it makes you realise that you were once only a couple of inches away from the side of the cliff.It helps you decide what to do.

  8. Z,i’d prefer the sharp swerve, anyday…and i let the ride bring up the right curve, and until then, i’d simply ride along!i get your point though, yes i think it is too.BLACK COFFEE,yes, interesting relationship indeed. only, i have never bothered with the futility of questioning reality!thank you!BACKPAKKER,there is only that much we can avoid, but it keeps coming back,hope the journey inward is fruitful for you.good luck!SHINI,it does lead to change indeed, and the thoughts are coming by more than ever…what i penned down was a quick flash of the pen. yes, coming to think of it, this was actually written on a piece of paper and then typed out always – thanks for being here so regularly, and leaving your wonderful thoughts too!UNPRETENTIOUS,quite true, yet, i am compelled to pause, and reflect, and sift thru the thoughts and steer myself in the direction of ‘goodness’ albeit temporarily :)AKKA,am sorry if it was distasteful – have actually removed the link.yes, i have in the past, had reason to think he does make sense.CM,am super cm!SHWETA,yes, such moments are usually short, but the effect they have are quite profound!MISSALISTER,am going to read up about dostoevsky – pardon my ignorance :)glad u enjoyed the trip miss – as always, loved your comment, and the link – you’re the best!!MONSOON,it is, in reality, nothing so scary. i think the fear comes because it is new to many of us – looking within.thank you, monsoon – i am touched 🙂

  9. Perhaps it is time.Sometimes I have moments of apparent clarity of vision/thought too but can we ever really say we’re seeing reality? Aren’t we always seeing it in our own crooked way, a little optimistically or a little pessimistically at a time?Either way, I can’t believe you’re that far from “good”!

  10. I talked about that feeling of dieing in one of my posts recently. And it was scary, to say the least, those moments before I thought I had died.

  11. summer has a way of telling things that are otherwise impossible in a better weather. tht irksome heat is extremely revealing and nostalgic–especially condusive for a brush with reality, or the thoughts thereof…

  12. It’s wonderful how some moments just trigger the thought of another incident. We can go back and forth in time, analyzing in the present, what state of mind we were when we did something of that sort in the past. I must say, a very well-written post – could almost see that curve 🙂

  13. moments like these make me realize that i am actually alive… there was so much of me in these words… thanks bum……:)but then, ‘what if’?

  14. PS,couple of inches indeed. i’d read recently about faith and it said faith is knowing you’ll land on solid ground or you’ll be taught how to fly.DEVIL MOOD,if we’re talking about absolute reality, devil, then enough has been talked about it. i suppose there never can be a complete elminination of subjectivity and the viewers perspective. yet, to me, reality would be what strike us as ‘good’, at that moment. and i said good, not nice!it is we who know what we areally are! yet, your words only make me think you’re way too kind! thank you!D,iti is, indeed scary!ASH,good to see you here. the inner compass is going completely awry and will need a little more than just adjustment :)GAURI,interesting take on summer u got 🙂

  15. I was pleased to see a thought so simply put into words. Lack of ACS making you hardy and keeping you connected to the outside world. There have been so many days when I havent remembered I hav ACs in my new home…and when I have I have pushed myself to be cool without them. Not add them into the list of “necessary evils” 🙂 I avoid AC buses 🙂 And choose tables at CCD and Barista carefully…which is “outside”. Stay connected…with sounds,smells,sights…I succeed! :)And Dev Bhumi it is!Jamuna.

  16. J,glad to have u here.and also, to note that acknowledgement of dev bhumi. it is, indeed, the most fascinating if places. and such simple people!do keep coming by, and thanks!

  17. SNEHA,interesting. if everybody thought that way about wherever they lived, it’ll make the world a whole lot better am sure!welcome here, and thanks for dropping by. do you have a blog?

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