the excerpt

i had mentioned it in my earlier post. i found it

i knew i’d find it though. it is on this piece of yellowing paper. four corners ripped off, for i had pulled the cello tape off. technically, an octagon-shaped piece of paper. i didn’t want to leave it back there, on the wall of my room, way back in college. i was vacating the room i had occupied, and the piece of paper, ( and the thought?), have travelled along, and was (were???) put away in some corner, until now.

‘Not to worry so much, not to be distraught and despairing because one has attained no certainty and is sure of nothing – nothing at all…To be content with uncertainty, content and happy with it, to choose it.
To choose unknowing and uncertainty…
To choose oneself as one is. To dare to be what one is, without self reproach’

– Par Lagerkvist, in Pilgrim at Sea

meanwhile, i continue to be grateful, among other things to my family. i do believe the family has a very important role, if not the most important, in shaping an individual’s thinking and behaviour, why, the personality itself.
i have enjoyed growing up, and in the process, also had the privilege to watch my parents grow up. the angry young man that i distinctly remember, and also have feared in the past, has given way to a sober, and of course, older(and even balder!) man. more on that later.
i received this message on my phone, in reply to an intimation that i had sent, that i had reached safely. it said –
Lightning visit makes the longing more.

It certainly did, no doubting that, and in the longing and this simple expression of longing, i had felt one of the deepest and most beautiful emotions.


21 thoughts on “the excerpt

  1. the octagonal paper recovered from hostel reminds me when we were wrapping up stuff from Mitrajit’s hostel.. clinging on to bits of paper tht stuck on the wall, as if retaining those will retain the memories for sometime longer… grt words about uncertainty.. (all the more relevant to me now for since this morning have initiated yet another impulsive mission, largely to force myself to face some uncertainty. been long and I want to rid myself of a fear that i may not be able to jump in unplanned situations :)and that was such a poetic, subtly emotive message..

  2. I feel a forced friendship with Uncertainty. What choice do we have? Even tomorrow, although we think there probably will be one, can we be 100% certain that there will??? So all that’s OK, but this business of choosing oneself as one is, to dare to be what one is… Something that upbeat would probably be neon yellow if assigned a color, and I don’t look good in yellow, neon or otherwise. Black is my color. ;-)I loved the bit about watching parents grow up! Identified with it completely. My mom was always sweet, but my dad and I constantly clashed…now all of us are mellowed and so…so adult! LOL!

  3. growing up with parents and see them grow!thats great.i’d give up anything to get back those times with parents,when life was easier,secure and happy.every moment of this life is this uncertain life itself is bravery,sometimes i feel so.i derive my strength from God,without whom i am a big coward.

  4. There is a certain certainity too with uncertainity these days.. and that is, its bound to be there.. no matter how young or old OR rich or poor, you are. However, I so miss those “certain times” of my childhood. Everything was certain then – get up in the morning, laze around, go to school, watch TV, play with doggie, sleep like a nut! What was the only uncertain thing then, were our surprise class tests! 😀

  5. Chanced upon your blog, and happened to read the excerpt on your post. Makes so much sense. Reminds me of a para in the ‘Unbearable Lightness of Being’ by Milan Kundera. Wish i could recall those words…Sometimes you read something which really stikes a chord within you, and then its like, ‘Finally, the world makes sense to me !’:-)

  6. ybGAURI,retaining did help – i don’t retain the memories much, it seems all hazy now, but the words have carried along, and i am grateful – for not only did i remember, i could also share!ridding ourselves of fears i think is VERY important, so good luck – am sure u will emerge vistorious.MISSALISTER,black is my colour, and all the dark thoughts in the ugly mind make me associate the very same ‘business’ to black, rather than yellow – talk about perspectives :)oh yes, talk about clashes with dad. he’s my best friend now and i love the way we have both grown up and tried and still try to understand each other!MONSOON,i wouldn’t like to beliveve i am a coward, even though i derive a lot of strength from my faith. may be coz somewhere i do believe that i am god – if not only at the intellectual level!SHINI,yes, it is bound to be there – they key is to understand and accept it, and yet play within our limits and not worry too much!D,you’re right – people do go back to being like kids as they grow old. more fun must be a good thing, no?DEVIL,sometimes the evolution is hardly perceptible!am glad i found it too – so i could share it with you :)GEE,aha! welcome here, by chance or whatever!!haven’t read that book, but i like the title and it seems familiar.@ striking a chord – i know EXACTLY what u mean.thanks for coming by – do make it more often 🙂

  7. Family does have an important role in shaping an individuals thinking. But, a broken family has an even greater role…. Think over that :)And I can completely relate to how you’re attached to stuff from your college days. But as Eddie Vedder sang once, “Hearts and Thoughts they fade, fade away…”

  8. I love Uncertainty… I am in love with it… in love with the excitement it brings with it… its so unexpected… so unpredictable… Everything predictable is just so boring :PGrowing up and changing and becoming what we are… its beautiful… also to see people who matter to you grow in front of you is also so alluring… I can see my parents growing wiser… more fun…. more interesting… and definitely more beautiful and handsome… Its life… it brings a smile on my face… I am glad I read this post… it makes the reader feels nice! :)Cheers!!

  9. There is no uncertainity, because more importantly there is no certainity.If you declare an event as certain you are the one who is defining what is uncertain.If you think you are different from the event that’s when you can qualify it.

  10. i dont know if i am grateful but i definitely owe what i am to my parents. “one has attained no certainity and is sure of nothing at all”. if alone we could accept that fact of life then there will be no expectation, disappointment or sorrow

  11. DRUMSTER,i wouldn’t know about broken how it feels. thank god, i am blessed with a family that is still intact, and we intend to keep it that way. but yes, i guess it must make a person tough…it only scares me that toughness may well result in indifference and apathy as well.GAURI,camping? what fun! do write about it.ANIL,a random and a VERY interesting thought, my dear me, fear indicates weakness of the mind. and i would want my mind to be strong, and hence rid myself of fears.i wonder what are those fears, if at all, that need to be held on to?NABILA,i am glad u love uncertainty, makes life easier, and definitely a whole lot more exciting.been a long long time. though you’d disappeared. good to see you – hope all is well?ANON,i have been munching upon this very interesting, and even complicated idea.i am wondering though – since there is no certainty, there must be the opposite of it – which is uncertainty.?UNPRETENTIOUS,gratitude comes with awareness. in fact, it is the first step.sometimes, life is such a whirlwind that we fail to remember – to be grateful to the most obvious, yet most important things in life.

  12. LOL re: perspectives! Dark, bad. White, good, the good guy, the guy we pull for to win in the movies! The delicious love/hate perfection of polarity! says the human. I’ve a resident resentment and an aversion to acceptance that lazes in cliché when I’m not feeling light and fluffy! says I 😉

  13. as i shift yet again, moving from address to address in a big city i stumble across a variety of stubs. little wrapping papers, personal messages and a small poster made entirely of post-its.and each one has a relevance. like an intangible milestone. an emotional upheaval follows.i loved this post.

  14. MISSALISTER,i’d encourage, even nurture that resentment!PHISH,good to see you here…and i know exactly what you mean. moved around a bit, and i know what its like to go around discovering small, yet significant objects…

  15. remembered Baz Luhrmann’s song when i read this post. It says,Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Uncertainity has its own beauty.And the gem of a quote on that yellowed paper reminds me of these little things i would treasure when i was in hostel. On leaving Pune, i had to make a choice between carrying these newspaper cuttings (i can’t imagine i had so many) and some media notes. I chose the former 🙂

  16. BHUMIKA,i’d not heard that song before. i actually found it, and loved every word. i wonder how i can actually listen to it too…thanks for sharing it with me…ADI,:)sometimes words are not necessary, sir:)

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