love like there is no tomorrow

“I would not do it, even if, God forbid, my own mother wanted me to”.

I had hardly said that, when it struck me, the gravity of the words. I’d had a couple of shots by then, not in quick succession as I normally do, but well, two down nevertheless. My friends tell me I am a very different person under the influence of alcohol. I am not sure, maybe I am, but hell, why else would anybody drink, I think to myself.

We can not deny the fact that we owe much of our personal traits to the circumstances that we have lived our lives in. Some choose to blame the circumstance, others, like me, well, we just attribute. Blaming would, in my opinion, go one step further, as to ‘qualifying’ things. And in my limited scheme of thought, I’ve never considered myself worth judging things as this way or that.

So then, I can’t but help owe all I am, or much of what I am, to my upbringing. Now, I don’t know if it is a good thing or not – let us not get into this good or bad business and run into circles – but, my mother, she has always been the giving kind. In all honesty, I wouldn’t say she is the perfect being. Far from it, she hated, she was completely intolerant and consequently exclusive of certain people, some of whom mattered to me too, and yet, what strikes me about her – and this, I think only in retrospect – is the fact that she was conscious of her limitations, of being able to love some and not others. And deep down inside, I suspect she was also remorseful of the fact, though my own love for her makes me believe she needn’t have been.

And so I grew up with that dilemma of whether or not, and how to love some and not give some others. I wanted to love everybody. I don’t as of now – I wouldn’t fool myself or you by claiming to have attained such an elevated state – but that is the yearning, a constant, ineffaceable one, if there might be such a thing.

The funny thing is, it was that statement that got me thinking, and I said I would reflect upon it when I am sober. And so I am asking myself this – would I do anything, just about anything, for the sake of love? I think I would. I believe I am one of those crazy romantics, I’ve been there, done that. Save one thing – I wouldn’t love, at the cost of denying others the very same love. Us bums – and how, at times I curse myself for being so, but I am, and I am unable to help being so – we don’t believe in exclusivity.

And when I think about that statement, I seem to slowly but steadily be successful in getting rid of that dilemma. I don’t think, nay, I am quite sure my mother would not want me to do that – to love her or anybody else, after having denied others of love. And it is precisely why now, at this point of time, I am more grateful than anything or anybody else – to have taken seed in the womb of that blessed woman.

Thank you, my dear mother.

———————————

Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.

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30 thoughts on “love like there is no tomorrow

  1. Appreciating ones’s mom for what she is, is such a nice (and rare, if you think about it) thing to do. Sensitive piece of writing. Okay, the teaser on my blog: It is a dry flower arrangement. Took the photo at a craft mela.

  2. Aww that’s so beautiful, Bum :)I think in a way the way you want to love unconditionally is a tribute to your Mother. She wanted to do that but she felt she couldn’t and now you’re doing it for her.

  3. This does sound complicated to me. What part of us can see our parents’ flaws and love them nonetheless? And be thankful too that we’re their children? Isn’t it wonderful that instead of imbibing those flaws, we can stand apart and say ‘This isn’t what I want to be’ and love our parents despite them.

  4. Beautiful post. And your sign off note – “Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.” I totally loved it ! Is that your own ?

  5. Wow.And so I grew up with that dilemma of whether or not, and how to love some and not give some others. I wanted to love everybody.Deep down inside, we all know how difficult it is to be able to love everyone, irrespective of who they are and where they come from. But we never admit it. I admit it today, I’m not capable of love in its fullest sense, I have my own inhibitions, and that too I guess was part of my upbringing. I had been denying myself all this while, trying to come up with imaginary faults in other people so that they wouldn’t be “worth” it. But when I read your post, I’m glad. I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it (which I do). But instead, come to terms with it and try, try at least now to learn to love. Thank YOU, my dear bum. 🙂

  6. There is no such thing as love, everything based upon need and exchange mechanism.Love is just another logical abstraction created by fools smoking pot or under influence of alcohol.

  7. Ur post is as good and honest as ever – but I think, that, love isn’t such an explicitly reasoned out thing… I mean, its not possible for you to forcibly hate or “differentiate” or ignore some people, because you can or cannot love everyone. Love, according to me, on the one hand is spontaneous,and on the other, its also an illusion – which means that it is a hidden manifestation of the selfish human tendency to derive pleasure from a relationship but not from all people.

  8. this post has many undertones of things u know best, so i couldn’t actually grasp it all.. but i hope u have also told her what you have written here in so many words, she deserves to know.. also, it takes a lot of courage for parents to allow their children to grow up as individuals, to give them the freedom to see life in their own light.. tht u can see and admit the differences is perhaps the most solid proof of a nurturing fed with individuality and a lot of love..

  9. No love does not mean hate. There is an intermediate feeling of neither love nor hate for someone. you are either indifferent or just discharging your duty. maybe that is a better state to aim forWhat is love but expectations. unconditional love is accepting people as they are, no ego, that would mean being self less which would mean allowing everyone to trample over your values, interests and wishes. wouldnt that be too much to give up?

  10. I say I hate having to think too hard, but yet I keep coming back here. On March 19th I told my own blog site, “I’m leaving you because you’re too mentally demanding,” but here I am trying to breathe in the significance of your ponderous thoughts in their entirety and write something remotely meaningful in response…and all that came to mind was to ask you this silly question: would you marry a woman your mother loved and would love for you to marry? Of course I’m curious as to how you’d answer that, but you know, Bum, mainly I just wanted to come here and hang out amongst your vibes for awhile 🙂 It’s nice here. So nice that I feel a stirring toward kissing and making up with my own blog space 😉

  11. This is one of the most beautiful posts I’ve read in a long time. All of us love our mothers and accept them as they are but very few accept the fact openly that their mothers are also erring humans, that they also have major flaws. And deep down, I think most of us want to love everyone but as we grow up, the jadedness starts to seep in and we think that it’s an impossible task. I, for one, am still coping up with the idea of shades of grey. I know someday I’ll come to a decision but it’s something that troubles me right now. I still haven’t understood when do we give up the idea of perfection in those we love and simply accept them for the entirety that they represent. Thank you for this post. It’s helpful to me in this quest. 🙂

  12. beautifully said…all of us believe our parents to be the be all and end all and then as we grow up, we try to look at them as human beings too with likes and dislikes, but that doesnt take away the fact that they are our parents and much of what we are today comes from them…

  13. work was taking up more time and effort than usual and hence the long silence. also had to tend to some family matters in between. but i will be back soon.

  14. Speaking as a mother, it is fascinating to see your children grow up and move away, to recognise yourself in them and yet to see how completely they are their own persons.

  15. SADHANA,is it – rare, i mean? i thought most people, men specially, always appreciate their moms…i am not sure, but thanks!DEVIL,i am so happy you see the beauty in things here – its a privilege, devil, to have u read stuff. thanks ever so much!D,standing apart – thats so tought most of the times. yet, we’re able to do it, and then we appreciate the beauty of life. for in others, and their faults, we see but myriad reflections of ourselves.GAZAL,honesty is something i tend to maintain, atleast in this blog, if not in real life. i have also come to believe that honesty is an important quality of a writer. a post about writing, may be someday!IWOBM,not my own, friend. i should have said its anonymous, but forgot!!CHUTNEY,awwww…don’t thank me, my dear friend. its such a pleasure to find such comments – when somebody really finds meaning in mere words!the first step towards evolution, they say, is awareness. many a time, we are so completely engrossed in the external world, that we hardly peep into ourselves, know what we are.yes, guilt is a worthless emotion, unless of course, it spurns us towards change. i am trying too, and am really glad u’ve said u’re gonna start trying.good luck, my dear friend!ANON,thats an interesting, and quite a STRONG thought, i must say.everything is invariably based on need mechanism is most life forms. however, since us humans claim the lofty position of being highly evolved, i think somewhere, we start moving at higher needs. hopefully, in this movement, this journey, we transcend needs itself, who knows.also, i find love to be the most tangible of ideas. i don’t see what is so abstract in it. finally, even if it were an abstraction, and even if it were created by such people, a lot many people seemed to have bought this idea, this abstraction, as u call it. and many of them aren’t under any influence…? and if the abstraction is fulfilling, whats wrong in adapting it – in whatever form we deem it fit?CM,aha aha!! where have u been all these days?thanks, and its good to have u back.SHINI,i believe love is a lot about how we look at it. at one look, it sure does seem selfish. for instance, it is worth pondering over whether when we tell someone ‘i love you’, do we really mean it? or are we just saying ‘please love me?’…having known this, having felt this many a times, i would like to transend it, and not tend to limit it to ‘deriving’ but giving. even in this desire, there is a motive – of finding some kind of happiness. which means at one level or the other, we’re all selfish. its the consequences of our selfishness – and how much we tend to let it affect others, that matters.thanks for your comment – has given me a lot of food for thought.GAURI,yes, there are things that may not be understood – but just look at them in face value – am just a bum, remember?no, i haven’t told her – this is a world i keep away from her, for there are things that may cause her unhappiness and i wouldn’t want that!@ the proof of nuturing – i don’t think i could have put it better. THAT is something i’s want my parents to know!thanks much!ANON,unconditional love is too lofty and cliched a term.love can, and in most cases, does lead to expectation. but i do believe one can love, yet not expect. i have experienced spurts of it – and it makes the heart to light, carefree and filled with joy.also, people might trample over my values – the question is how bad it is affecting me. ppl can do what they want, if i can still hold on to my values, and yet love them, that would be an interesting premise.it isn’t easy, but the thought simply fascinates me to no end, and when that happens, i generally go out and try to get what fascinates me :)MONSOON,thank yYOU :)MISS ALISTER,to the best of my memory, this is the most touching comment i have received.you are right, in that blogs tend to get too demanding. yet, there is a certain pleasure in catharsis, which gets addictive. whats more, if the catharsis can lead to something positive in terms of us evolving, its a good thing. in that sense, i wouldn’t wanna let go of the blog. yet.about the marriage question.well, the impulsive answer is, no, i wouldn’t. probably because when i look at it objectively, it wouldn hardly be my decision, and any eventualities later would make me conveniently blame my mother for it. if marriage is for life, as i tend to believe it to be, i’d like it to be my decision. if there is something like it, for i do believe it is He who decides.there is another aspect to this. i am not, yet, convinced that marriage is such an important thing in life. i mean, i don’t think one should do it because everybody else does it, or some such frivolous consideration. if i get married, i’d really like to sit and ponder as to WHY i want marriage, and then make a well informed decision. back to decisions again :)it is wonderful to have you here, honestly, and to soak in the pleasant vibes that you leave back, like this instance. thank you ever so much!DRENCHED,thank you! it is one of the things about blogs – the ideas they feed us with, in our own quests!also, i think when we start looking at our own imperfections, we cease to look for perfection in those we love, or anybody else for that matter.thanks again :)GAURI,thanks for taking the trouble of letting me know. the if (in caps) has offended me a tinge. of course i’d like to read. and i did! :)BACKPAKKER,thank you!yes, all that i am, or at least much of it, i owe to them.YOGA GAL,hey thanks!DB,good to see you. do come back soon!MONSOON,sure you may link. the post, well, just not been able to sit down. lets hope it happens soon!

  16. Awww, Dharmabum! I don’t want to make anyone barf during this love-fest, but I’m compelled to tell you that your response here was the most touching response I’ve received of late. Perhaps it’s my tentative state of mind that has me tenderized, but to paraphrase a part of what you wrote in response to your first Anon comment, if it’s fulfilling in a win-win way, what’s wrong with it?!btw, your answer to the marriage question is my answer exactly! Certainly, I’m not convinced that marriage is such an important thing. As you suggest, it’s a personal choice based on many things within the lives considering it.Yours is a wise old soul, Bum! I’m glad I’m right here, right now knowing you 🙂

  17. MISSALISTER,a love-fest! what a wonderfully pleasant way of putting it. i’m soaking in this fast, for sure, and don’t care two hoots about anybody who is barfing!wise and me? well, i wudn’t know about it – i wudn’t think so, if i were you. am just a bum. i keep walking. talking. giving. taking. :)oh, and its been absolteuly wonderful knowing you too. you’ve taught me to see the now and here – and right now, right here, i feel a certain reaching out to you, from you, in spite of the fact that we hardly know who or where we are or what it is the geographical span thats in between us :)thank YOU!ASH,thanks!

  18. Its because of a reason that anybody fail’s to love and that reason quiet explains the twistedness of our psyche. We dare to go overboard about it but then times makes us wretched and makes us break without any notion of gravity.Anyway’z nice write up especially the friendship bit..shwets

  19. SWETA,welcome to this tavern :)the twistedness of our psyche emerges over time, and also probably owing a lot to our conditioning.thanks for your comment – do keep coming by :)DOE,well well, heres to more of us :)and lessons learnt the hard way are usually quite lasting, don’t you think? 🙂

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