redemption

I’ve already told Santa Claus what I want this Christmas – a good friend. So, if a big fat man comes and tries to wrap you up, please cooperate.
And Merry Christmas!

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I can’t get over those hazel eyes. It was just a fleeting glance at them, but those beautiful pair of eyes just wouldn’t let me move. For once, I wasn’t ashamed of staring. I looked straight into her eyes, beholding them for a while, I don’t really know for how long. Interestingly, she was looking into my eyes too. We just stood there, meeting eye to eye; each wondering what was going on in the mind behind the eyes.

I don’t normally make the move so quick, it is not in me. Not that I shy away, I just take time. I am choosy, one may say. This time around, even though the attraction was irresistible, I didn’t budge. I didn’t want to risk doing something stupid and losing the most beautiful sight of looking into those magical eyes.

When I did finally snap out, I decided to go meet her. I wanted to touch her, to feel her soft, glowing skin. I don’t know if she read my mind, for she decided to break it and move on. She broke my heart, but I was thankful for those few minutes. I knew we were talking, telling each other our own stories, and in a strange way, I was deriving a great comforting feeling during those moments. I’ve always had this thing with the stray dogs, I don’t know what. I often fail to put it into words, but it’s just that they make some of the most beautiful love stories of my life.

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It is the greatest friend, yet is potent enough to be the greatest foe.
The devil of the mind (or is it the mind of the devil, i wonder!), at this point of time, it is so completely filled with –

Guns, not gratitude
Sex, not salvation
Hurting, not healing
Booze, not beauty
Lust, not love

It is easy to let things be…..and then conveniently blame it on other things, like ‘being a bum’…

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One never knows when it is likely to happen. It can be the most beautiful of days. Like this morning, when I woke up, it was pleasantly cool, the little drops of dew waiting to gleam in the sunshine.

It is equally impossible to know why it happens. There doesn’t ever seem to be a trigger, at least, not anything apparent. And yet, it seizes the mind and completely paralyzes it. I read somewhere that the term depression is used loosely. I am not sure.

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They’re all over the place. And in the world we live in, ironical as it might seem, it becomes hard to notice them. They’re there though, I know that much for sure.

My good friend tells me that everybody is nice. I suppose so. I think the world is full of nice people. I’m just too busy in my own perverted vision of the world that I fail to recognize goodness all around me. In spite of this, I am blessed to be surrounded by people who care.

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I wonder if I am a hypocrite. I’ve been talking so much about loving everybody. I discovered recently, today in fact, that I have been vindictive. There have been people who have upset me. Looking at it objectively, in my own contrived sense of that word, I think may be I should rephrase that statement. There have been people whom I have been upset by. Yes, that sounds better.

Off late, I have been behaving quite offensively, meaning consciously to vent my ire against such people. I wonder if I was always like this, or turned this way somewhere along the way. I have caused grave hurt, time and time again, and it will be hard for me to off load the thought. This shall, in all probability, be the excess baggage of my life.

And in this process of fighting desperately to gain attention, to derive that illusory kick out of being loved by those ‘chosen’ few, even if it is at the cost of excluding others, and to ultimately gratify oneself with the thought of ‘possessing’, I am beginning to realize that I am gaining some, but losing much more., among other things, I am afraid I am losing the child in me.

And this Christmas, I look for redemption. My faith is still going strong, and so I refuse to give up.

I am glad I am reminded – yet again – to love, and to do so with nothing except loving in mind.

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Divinity sings from the heart of those who can be good even to those who have not been so good to them

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12 thoughts on “redemption

  1. oh is that what all the ribbon was about?!ya coulda warned a girl ;)I love the final quote. There is a blogger who challenges me. Drops f bombs and SCREAMS AT ME, belittles and abuses me for my perspective on forgiveness (I wholeheartedly believe in it – not condoning bad behaviour and putting oneself in the line of fire, but forgiveness of the person for the role they’ve played)It is sometimes very difficult to be kind, and, indeed, to know the right thing to say. So, I tend to no longer visit her blog and if she comes by ok.Anyway – wanted to say that this was a great post. Hope you have a wonderful 2008 just because we can take this time of the julian calendar turning to be reflective :)xxpinksPS – I have a vindictive streak too. I am so very human.xx

  2. i just came back after a heartful of play with street dog pups in my flat below.. i exactly know tht love u can see in those hazel (or black, brown or black-brown eyes) of a dog… infact, ve u seen a dog smile? there’s this dog at my place, and they are like tamed strays (we grew them up till abt 6 months, after their mom, also our street-dog pet, died and then they took to their own roaming abt the society.. yet the food is still on us ..:) So the thing is, i have actually seen these dogs, especially a big white male, SMILE… abt the feeling of vindication. I suffer from it big time, time and again.. but now i ve come to realise it only troubles my health, and it is not worth it. So i give up much sooner than before.. infact, there ws this girl i thought (and i ws damn sure then) whom i thought i cud hate all my life and also spent nights planning meticulous revenge strategies. But now, abt 7-8 years later, the thought jus doesn’t occur.. The anger has gone…and it also seems unjustified in a way.. :)abt the last quote, it’s way too philosophical and way too beautiful.. also, thanks for dropping by and commenting on the last post.. i ve no idea how we cud directly be of help. spreading the word is a big thing though, for such ‘hard’ stories more often than not die on the copy desk itself.. the more concerned readers, the more solutions and ideas, and more constructive discussions and actions… And, please see tht the next post doesn’t take so long to come on ur blog 🙂

  3. And then there are bloggers like yourself that blame it on the bum!Actually, the world isn’t full of nice people; it’s full of bums I’d say! Or dare I say … it makes bums out of nice people?Btw, I LOVE what you’ve asked of Santa. So, irrespective of whether you had a good Christmas or not, here’s wishing you that you get your “good friend” alright!

  4. “To err is human to forgive is divine” I never try to be devine, why compete with god? :-D”I am glad I am reminded – yet again – to love, and to do so with nothing except loving in mind.” and thanks for reminding us.. 😀

  5. Oh love the first bit on Santa. As for the rest – remind thyself, what thou givest unto the world, thou gets back. So, love all, my friend :)Have a great New Year ahead ;D

  6. firstly…seasons greetings to u!!yea thats christmas message that been doing the rounds…strays..u know i used to love those ‘autobiography of a —‘ essays we used to write in school…one of my best ones was of a stray dog…and i remembered this bcoz…i’d written something about exchanging stories of lives and that culminating into a special moment..this was well written…its easier to change it if u can find a strong enuff reason..yea the way wil stil be a lil tough(like rehab of sorts)..but if u dont see a reason to change all those things then theres no point in even trying…btw..i really like it…can i please use it as a reference with ur name…this world is a beautiful place…but extremely antithetical in its ways..it has gore amidst beauty, chaos is peace..like kashmir and afghanistan broken piece by piece..its got a lot of awe inspiring entities..natural or man made they may be..but stil in the midst of it exists extreme distress and poverty…balance is also provided kindness and generosity..why talk of the world, what about me…i want desperately to love everything i see..a love that i give but in measure, counting returns as tho is a treasure…miserly and mean tho i can be…i’m good most of the time..in that i take pleasure…screwed up rhyme scheme…but ad hoc so forgivable…heres also wishing u a very very happy new year…hoping it gives u a lot of luck and happiness to cherish..i also wish u peace of mind, soul and heart….cheers!! *hugs*

  7. I have to say ‘I could relate’ inspite of sounding cliched.Sometimes, it’s so difficult to let go. They say time is the healer, but well, many times, time has only helped develop hatred.you are sometimes abstract in a way, but still manage to display emotions in-depth in a few words. Beautiful. Keep writing.

  8. PINK,well, yes, should have warned ;)completely agree with u – it is indeed noble to forgive the person, for they are only playing a role as we play ours…beautiful thought.yes, kindness is not easy, but it pays off.thank you – warm wishes to you and your loved ones for a fantastic year ahead…GAURI,i have heard about dogs smiling, but i haven’t myself seen one, unfortunately. or if i have, then i haven’t recognized it…maybe i’ll come down to your place, and you can show me sometime?vindictive feeling for me usually arises in the immediate aftermath and acting on it always causes trouble, and like u say, possibly also damages health. time, however, has always been a healer, and if only one is smart enough to let the feeling pass, time always wins :)will keep posting – thanks for your wonderful, and constant encouragement.MISS IYER,:) the worlds full of all kinds – bums, some attractive, and some not so ;)i didn’t really ask that from santa – it was a forward that i wanted to share with all u guys..and i do have a good friend – miss iyer :)JACKFRUIT,to forgive is a little super human, to forget, that would even surpass that :)SMITA,yes, always reminding myself that.u have a great year too, and thanks :)DEVIL,that is so sweet. well, since santa hasn’t come your way, i will, very soon :)GAURI,thanks for digging up into my archives – u are always a constant source of encouragement and i shall be ever grateful :)VITRUVIAN,warm wishes to you and your loved ones too…you are most welcome to use anything – no need for references. i don’t believe my thoughts / words belong to me – all that i write about is a culmination of various experiences, which means none of it is truly ‘from me’ anyways :)the poem is awesome. i don’t read much poetry but loved this one…the hugs are well received. more hugs rigth back at you :)BACKPAKKER,yes, we’re after all, only human.warm wishes for a great year ahead to you, and your loved ones…IWOBM,it doesn’t sound cliched, my dear friend. i am glad you are able to relate…there must be a reason. i do believe people come into our lives with for a specific reason…time helps us develop what WE WANT. if we want patience, we develop patience. if we want hate, we develop just that.yes, sometimes, i surprise myself by bordering on abstraction, but it is totally unplanned :)thanks for being here constantly, and for all the encouragement. hope u have a great year ahead…

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