somewhere along the line, i revealed my virtual existence in this blog to some of my real friends. talking of real friends, sometimes i wonder if they really are my real friends. i don’t for a moment doubt their love, intention or integrity. but when u begin to view things objectively (if there is something like objectivity), one begins questioning the relative reality of just about everything. but thats running off on a tangent now.
coming back to the subject of my friends reading this blog. some of them seem to think that this blog does not reflect the real me. this particular ‘sentiment’ of theirs has even been reflected in some of the comments at times. disagreeing with this statement in its entirety would not only be denying some of the less intelligent ones their share of a certain cheap thrill, it would simply be unfair.
i know two dharmabums. i witness one or the other of them at every moment. there is the bum that all you fellow bloggers know. u’ve been reading him through his blogs. he loves everybody(dogs a little more than others), yearns for adventure and bums around like few other bums do. then there is his twin – the masked bum, the one born out of his interactions with the world around him, out of the expectations from others.
looking at it another way, we all want to to confirm to a certain set of ideals. these are our own, not set by others, and hence independent of what the world thinks of us. we hope to be this ‘perfect’ being, the perfection so defined in our own paradigm of thinking. but then we are, from time to time, faced with the real us – the one that we feel, somwhere and somehow, falls short of these ideals.
and much of our life, is spent in managing this conflict.
and so i was thinking of some of the things my close friends and loved ones have thought and expressed to me, about me. and i thought i must share them with you all –
‘you are terribly selfish. in spite of everything else, you end up doing only what you want to do’
‘you are the most insensitive person in the world. you don’t care one bit about other people’s sentiments’
‘you are the enfant terrible who gives perennial heartburn and anxiety, to me at least, from which i am trying hard to escape’
‘you have a problem with love. why can’t you just accept love? why does it not make a difference to you if i love you or not?’
‘you are rude. and intentionally so. you like hurting others. you feel a certain thrill in seeing others hurt’
they say that improvement starts with making mistakes. but then sometimes, we can keep making mistakes and not even know about it. i think improvement starts with realising our mistakes. it begins with awareness. and like they say, awareness is in the moment.
i am grateful to all the friends, family, loved ones, passers by and everybody else for pointing out to me my own shortcomings, time and time again. and even though this whole exercise can make me feel suffocated, why, even nauseated sometimes, i am still grateful.
Na tâto na mâtâ na bandhur na dâtâ Na putro na putrî na bhrityo na bhartâ
Na jâyâ na vidyâ na vrittir mamaiva Gatistwam gatistwam twam ekâ bhavâni
No father have I, no mother, no comrade, no donor; no son, no daughter, no servant, no husband or master.
No wife, no wisdom, no vocation have I, You alone are my path, you are my goal O Bhavani!
– Bhavanyashtakam, by Adi Sankara.