am back to my ‘penning’ ways!
pain. i’m experiencing it right now and it leads me to think about why i experience pain in
general. this is personal – i am generalising only about myself. obviously here, i am not talking about physical pain (i don’t think its even worth mentioning)
luckily for me, most of my emotions are very momentary. let me explain myself. i haven’t
been outside my own coutry, india, and so i don’t qualify to talk about other countries.
i’ve travelled quite a bit within this country though and i see a lot of poverty and beggary
(though i don’t know if the two are necessarily connected). some of my friendzs argue
heatedly with me about the ill effects of begging, how some people do it for the heck of it,
how it has become an excuse for sheer laziness and so on.
like most questions, i don’t know the answers and wouldn’t like to take this side or that.
but i do know one thing – that i personally find it quite difficult to stay hungry. and so
when somebody comes to me saying he is hungry, i don’t hesitate a moment. either i buy them
some food from the nearest eatery, or i just hand over whatever some of money i find
reasonable and affordable in my terms. sometimes, i feel sad about the kind of disparity
that exists in this world. not that i dream for an egalitarian society – that would be a
utopian dream. i just do what i can to assuage the momentary hunger of my fellow inhabitants
of this planet – a typical example of a very momentary feeling of empathy coupled with an
equally temporary attempt at helping!
i did a lot of crying this evening. some people believe crying is childish, some that it is
very effeminate. yet others, for some vague reason, feel it is a sign of weakness. if i have
to cry, and i have never had any problems hiding it. was reminded of the dawn of this year.
among other things, i went out near midnight with this special friend of mine. we weren’t
partying or anything – but just drink cuppas of chai and smoking cigarettes and talking
about life in general is itself a pleasurable exercise in my town called pondicherry!
so when i came back and peeped into my parents’ bedroom as usual, i found my mother awake.
so i wished her a happy new year, sat by her bedside and held her hand to have a lil chat.
as we sat there talking, feeling the grip around our hands tighten, i suddenly wondered how
many new years more i would be able to share with my dear ‘old lady’ (thats what i fondly
call my mother!). i suppose we can’t alter the flow of events, but that particular moment
(with my father lying besides and scolding us, as always, for having stayed awake so late!!!)
was the best way i could have started the year.
so we were talking about momentary feelings. this has also been true when it comes to my
friends. i am not the kind who goes out looking for friends, i don’t really see the need to
do that. and yet, all the people that providence brings nito my own life, i welcome them
with open arms. i have no problem in spending a good time with them. yes, i do have my
preferences and don’t hesitate a moment in being vocal about them. to the best of my
knowledge, the times i have shared with my friends have mostly been pleasant.
of course, there have been the altercations and disagreements, and we’ve had our share of
unpleasantness – each friend of mine and me 🙂 whether it is a merry time we have or a nasty
scene that leaves all concerned with a bad taste, i just take things at that moment and be
done with it. i donot allow the unpleasantness to get to me later. neither do i live back
the good moments and long for such occassions. its just not in me. happy or sad, angry or
pleasant, love or spite, i experience the ‘moment’ to the fullest. then i drop it. period.
does that make me a selfish person? i don’t know. many of my friends seem to think so. it
sure does make me nervous when there are expectations from friends. for, just because we had
a memorable evening while we went out for dinner the other day or something like that,
does’t mean i shoudl feel the same way today and want to do it all over again?
and so that raises an important question in my mind – can’t we love each other in an
impersonal sort of a way?